The Delusion of Permanence

When I listen to techno music, interesting things happen. (I know, haram/bidah/kufr/shirk etc. Yes, thank you, and moving on…) For whatever reason I start to feel my finite place in existence, and the reality of the magnitude of everything takes focus. Strange as it may seem, when I’m in this state I tend to think more of the hereafter and eternity, and what it does and should mean to me.

I mention that because earlier this week, I had to go to a meeting at work. I left the satellite radio on BPM, even though I customarily listen to mellower stuff. I hadn’t gotten a half a mile from my house when the shift happened, and the thing that came to mind this time was how easily we trick ourselves into thinking that whatever we are going through will remain- the delusion of permanence.

The truth is, nothing at all remains the same. From moment to moment everything is as uniquely different as infinite fingerprints. We may drive the same road to work each day, but never is the trip exactly the same, never are the cars on the road the exact ones from before, and every thought, mood or event that occurs en route are different from any previous ones. This is just a small example, but if you really think about it you realize that no moment will ever match a previous one, or a future one. Yet despite this, we waste so many of them in preference of living in our heads.

The delusion of permanence is a mental state. It’s a frame of mind that tells us whatever is going on right now, will always be this way. When things in the marriage sour, when a new job just can’t be found, when the nagging cough lingers for another day…we tell ourselves it will never change. It will always be this way.

Likewise, when we are healthy and well, or getting along with others, or making good money, we take it for granted that it could never change eventually. We become comfortable in our ease, and become neglectful, ungrateful, and careless. The delusion of permanence tells us we have nothing to worry about, so go ahead and be a little heedless.

The delusion of permanence isn’t something that happens in real life. If we were living in real life, we would see that no moment is duplicated; and so there is no blessing to be overlooked, no hardship to be taken as a reason for giving up.

I got caught up in the delusion these past few days. I was looking at the past- looking at all the similar events that mirrored the current one- and decided nothing will change. I began looking to the future and imagining similar events taking place that would prove me right, that would justify my despair. This is how the delusion works, this is how it thrives. It takes our lives and groups similarities, and convinces us to believe the “inevitable”. Yet, if we broke away from that for even a few minutes, and really invested in the present, we remember that nothing is inevitable until we die. If we manage to live our lives that way, we empower ourselves to find more meaning and growth in this existence, instead of the stagnation and limited outcomes that the delusion offers.

Let the Sunshine In

I’ve been working at home for a little over a month now. When I first began, I was able to keep to my regular schedule in a fairly decent way. The past couple weeks, however, have been more disruptive and the effects have begun to wear on me.

It started out innocently enough -doesn’t it always happen that way? Just minor things like staying up a little later and sleeping in a little longer because I no longer had to commute. Eventually, my body took over, and I started having some significant insomnia. I began waking at 2-4 AM, no matter how late or early I had gone to bed. Even if I only slept a few hours, I would automatically wake and my mind would be over-active.

I tried at first to take advantage of the energy. I started doing more work on the website I help with….to the point that there’s very little left to be done by others lol. I thought that maybe the decrease in physical activity since coming home was merely being offset by an increase in mental energy, so I thought burning it off would bring the balance.

…Well, not exactly. As the days continued to rob me of sleep, my emotions and thoughts became unbalanced as an effect. I started feeling slightly depressed, and easily triggered to cry. I don’t believe this is healthy, for me or the baby, but I didn’t feel I could control what was happening (as I was trying to resume my regular schedule every day by staying up in spite of lack of sleep and making sure my diet was not a culprit), and I wasn’t sure where this was going to go.

The past couple days, as to be expected, the pendulum began it’s track back in the other direction and I’ve been excessively tired and sleeping more than usual. However, it has so far done little to balance the way I feel psychologically. I’m still waking early, and I’m still trying to stay productive…and yet something is still missing.

I decided this morning that it’s the sun. Maybe this is silly of me, but I feel like I need fairly consistent exposure to the sun. Not only because its been scientifically shown to have health benefits, but also because I spent the first half of my life in a place where sunshine was nearly constant. I think that nurtured me into “needing” it more, on some level; because ever since I’ve lived in Georgia with all its clouds and trees I haven’t felt quite right.

Since I’ve been home, I’ve only left the house once or twice a week; where before I was leaving every day for work. Not only that, but it’s been raining nearly every day since then, so not a lot of natural light is making its way into my room- despite my two huge bedroom windows. So I think I’m going to make a plan to get out of the house at least every other day or so, even if it means just driving around before Maghrib. Maybe a couple weeks from now we will see some improvement and balance restored, in shaa Allah.

Lines, Fences, or Walls?

Some may or may not know that I have a huge deficiency in interpersonal relations. They are often a strict mystery to me, and any understanding I’ve gained about them has come from years of memorizing “rules” based on countless faux pas I’ve made. Despite what I’ve learned, there is still so much that seems as foreign as algebra to me, yet these very same things seemed automatically wired in to most everyone else. I think it’s fair to say that the only way I’ve managed to keep any meaningful relationships going at all is because others manage to see that I do sincerely care, in spite of my errors.

So I wake up at 5 AM worrying, of all things, about boundaries. Why? Because the issue keeps coming up. Whether it’s in mentions of what merits the divorce of a spouse or how to treat an emotionally sick friend, personal boundary issues keep theming back into my life. It happens to be one area I continue to be baffled about.

In addition to my social cluelessness (which I’ve often wondered if it’s a mild form of Asperger’s lol), I also think I’m moderately codependent. The two factors together have resulted in me living a life with very few boundaries with others. I think that has actually lent toward some of my more unhealthy patterns, so naturally I want to find a way to bring a balance to this area….I just don’t know exactly how.

It’s especially important to me now that I know I’m carrying a daughter. I don’t want her to grow up and pick up my patterns, habits, and ways of thinking/feeling, but the only way to succeed at that is to change them in myself first. I want her to be healthier than me, and to know how to live her life in a better way than I’ve known to live mine. Since I’m nearly halfway through this pregnancy, there’s really no time to lose.

It’s not that I don’t know anything about boundaries or where they should be. In fact, if we are talking about lives other than my own, it is often pretty clear. If I were to simply apply the same rules to myself that I would advise to others, as though I were an indifferent third party, I’d be living a very different life. But I guess subjectivity won’t permit simplicity, so I have to start from the beginning and figure out where I am, where I need to be, and how to get there.

I do realize that boundaries are based on values. We decide what’s most important in our lives, and decide what we should accept based on those values. That’s easy enough. I wish it could be applied across the board, but there are caveats which exist (in my view) which prevent that.

For one, family. Islamically, I am encouraged to maintain ties with my blood relatives. I’m not the only one who understands this to mean that even if your family is full of addicts, saboteurs and jerks, a Muslim is to do their best to keep in touch with them and show them kindness and generosity. And while this doesn’t mean one can’t have boundaries like “you cannot drink when you’re visiting my house”, it does mean you can’t cut ties with anyone….even if you would’ve cut ties with them were they not related to you.

It just so happens that my immediate family has people that fit all of the above descriptions. What makes it worse is that the majority of my family is composed of people I’ve either never known growing up, or never spent substantial time with to have a very close relationship with. So inside me there is a conflict about remaining open and connected with people who not only are almost strangers, but are very different from me in terms of lifestyle and morals. These are not the sort of people I would choose for friends, but because they are family I figure it all doesn’t matter and ride on as I understand I should.

But that’s probably where the root of my confusion lies, because if we have no choice about remaining invested in family -no matter who or how they are- what makes it fair to set stronger boundaries for friendships or marriages with others who want to be a part of our lives? If the sickest people we know are those most closely related to us, what’s the point in being more restrictive in our dealings with those who aren’t related, but are not as sick?

And I guess that’s my main question: Are boundaries only about what’s fair to ourselves? Or should we consider what is fair to others? How do we decide what’s fair to others, and when it’s appropriate to make a sacrifice for the sake of a relationship? Or maybe even many sacrifices?

I recently was trying to sort out this dilemma about a particular girlfriend of mine who recently resumed a relationship with a man who abused her, even in spite of several risks against her family. I sought advice, and it was unanimously that I shouldn’t “cut her off”, even though I didn’t see the value in continuing the friendship. One person who responded advised me to think about why I am in that friendship, and what I get out of it. I’ve been doing exactly that, not only with her but all my friendships. It’s a good question to ask in general, I think.

And what I’ve discovered so far is that the majority of my relationships (with non-family) have been mainly for the sake of the other person and less for myself. With a few exceptions, I extended friendship merely because it was requested…never really thinking if I wanted it myself or not. Quite honestly, with my social limitations having resulted in a lack of friendships overall, I didn’t feel I was in a position to be choosy anyway.

Granted, sometimes this didn’t work out for me, and I found myself taken advantage of or used. But because I tend to be resilient (and codependent, of course), I never let this lead me to changing my approach. Without getting into all the thinking patterns I have that sustain such a dynamic, I can ultimately say that I figured I could “afford” to be used, whereas most others perhaps just couldn’t.

Even now trying to consider a way forward, I don’t know what I’m doing. I think of friends I have with strong boundaries, but sometimes I think it goes overboard. I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable “cutting someone off” where another might. Don’t we owe others (besides family) something more? Or is it really all about our own comfort levels? I think if I had the answer to just that question, I’d have a lot more clarity and focus. I tend to feel that I owe others more than I owe myself, because I’m seasoned at going without and I know how to function at that level.

And that brings it back to what I think Shukurah is owed. In my mind, she is priceless so she deserves beyond the best, beyond the most. For her I would change from white to black if it meant her excellence. How can I teach her to be charitable and merciful, but without jeopardizing her own self worth? How do I instill in her a sense of self worth, when I am staring at the possibility that I may not possess much of my own?

Lots of questions, forged by years of factoring myself out of the equations. How much should I factor myself in, though? I don’t want to be one of those people who has such ridiculously high standards and expectations, that they have essentially given up any chances of intimacy. I also don’t want to be someone who thinks that I have to take anything given by others, because it’s the familiar thing to do.