A Truer Reflection

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Almost a year ago I wrote a post about my curiosity. In it I mentioned how I wondered whether my future would be one as a single mom, or would Bashir and I remain married. The future has come, and the curiosity on that issue has been satisfied. After many stalls, obstacles and challenges, I managed to ransom myself out of my marriage (again lol).

Looking back on it all, I probably should’ve just stayed out of the mix of Bashir’s new life after we divorced the first time. Even though the divorce was shown to already be null then, with enough time I might’ve gotten to a place where I would’ve just corrected that technicality and moved on. But the truth is I needed to grow and learn to make decisions based on values instead of feelings, and having a daughter was just the thing to motivate me through the pain of that change. In fact, Shukurah is the sweetest blessing to come out of such a fateful mistake.

There are going to be a lot of tough decisions I’m going to be facing. I probably wasn’t ready for them before, because I felt like I needed to appease the storms inside first before anything else. Now I know I don’t have to do that. I can choose what’s important, and let my emotions catch up with that program. I am ready to teach my daughter what it means to value herself, because I know how to do it myself now.

I thought the pain in my marriage was destroying me, but it ended up making me realize what I’m worth. I know without a doubt what I deserve in a husband and relationship. I will not accept anything less than what I’ve chosen, so if it means being single the rest of my life I am perfectly fine with that. I’ve fought too hard for myself and my kids, and we’ve all endured way too much, than to sell our victory for a cheap bit of company during a lonely moment.

I’m not going to jump through any more hoops for someone’s attention and approval. I am beautiful and unique, and I have a rare quality in the way I love. I do age well, both inside and out. I am worthy, just as I am, and someone out there will recognize the hard work I’ve put into my character and cherish me for it. And if no one ever sees what a blessing I would be to them, it’s their loss…because I know how utterly devoted and passionate I am when I am given one’s heart.

In the meantime, I’m enjoying everything about life. I’m not just finding myself, but actively creating who I want to be. Nothing is worth getting me down when there is so much hope for my future- hope borne from who I am in shaa Allah, not limited to what my circumstances are.

Thank You Allah for rescuing my spirit. Thank You for life, ever transforming.

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