Ten Years…Maybe?

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Tomorrow will mark the 10 year anniversary of my nikkah (wedding) with Bashir. I took today and tomorrow off from work to relax and enjoy remembering the time we met and married with him, and plan some nice way to celebrate it.

But, I am haunted (well actually, he and I both are) by something that remains unresolved. Something that would not have even come up on our radar if it weren’t for a dream I had about a month ago.

In the dream, another brother wanted to marry me. I kept telling him I was already married to Bashir, but this brother kept insisting I wasn’t. This brother reminded me that Bashir had given me two previous talaqs years ago, and since the most recent was the third we would be irrevocably divorced. The dream went on with this brother and Bashir and I trying to resolve the dilemma, until finally the brother gave up out of sheer exasperation and I awoke.

Because the dream did allude to true facts I had since put out of my mind (as Bashir had given me two separate talaqs in the early years of our marriage at my request), I told Bashir about it. He became very concerned about it and ever since then, we’ve been trying to sort out the truth: Are we married or not? Is the baby I’m carrying even legitimate?

In a sense, the whole situation seems comedic to me because I was NEVER the type of person to put myself in a situation where I could be at risk of having a child out of wedlock. Yet, that may be where I wind up.

The reason Bashir and I never thought about those two old talaqs is because back then, he told me they didn’t count because they were said while he was angry and we were arguing. We also “reunited” within 24 hours of them being given. I believed what he said when he showed me a hadith about slaves not being freed or divorce not being given while in anger, so since those years I never even thought about them with any significance.

Then I had this dream.

Bashir wrote to his shaykh to try to get clarity, since neither one of us remember clearly what exactly was going on so many years ago when those talaqs were given, or how angry he was, etc. We had tried looking up other hadith and evidences online but most of what we found seemed to indicate that even if given in anger, those divorces would still count. Yet that one hadith that he originally told me seems to say otherwise.

At any rate, Bashir was not able to fully explain the situation to his shaykh. He was advised to give a brief account, so he thought the best thing to do was ask for the dream to be interpreted. The shaykh’s response after all that was, “I don’t know”.

So I have been keeping the confusion inside, waiting and praying for clarity to come soon. I have made istikhara and try to remain patient. Bashir wants to take a trip to see his shaykh in person to tell him more thoroughly what’s going on, and get a clearer answer. Whatever the shaykh says is what he will go with.

I guess it’s gotten now to a point where I just didn’t want to feel alone anymore while dealing with this, and that’s why I posted it here. I can accept whatever the case may be. I can accept if we are in fact married, or if we are not I can accept that I will be a single mother to an newborn baby. There are pros and cons to either outcome, and I am willing to rise to the challenges that may come with either path.

If it’s not too much to ask, I would like to ask you all to pray that Allah brings a resolution to this matter sooner than later. I trust His time and judgment, but I’m human and don’t like the feeling of not knowing where I stand in important matters like this one. And for those of you that do pray for me, thank you.

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4 responses »

  1. Ask, and it shall be answered. Seek, and you shall find. Knock, and the door will be opened. I pray you will receive the clarity and discernment you are hoping for. You have been on an interesting journey of discovery.

  2. Why not look at it from a legal point of view…..if you are not divorced in the secular state of the law, then why the fuss? If you’re separated, but not divocred with decree iin hand, then I’d venture to guess you’re still married. If not the case, a visit to the town hall perhaps?

  3. I agree, but owing to my nature, if you are legally married, the child has a father, bound by legal responsibilities which offers this new soul legitimacy in terms of law. Religion is a matter of the heart and lies between you and God(Allah) and only He can look into your heart and know the matter of it all.All has changed, but is not changed. I think in some ways much of what is now, will be that way tommorrow, as we are all creatures of habit. There is a new life coming, with the added responsibilities of being a parent, partner and breadwinner. We create our environments, set up our own stages and live the scripts we make.

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