Life After Lifelessness

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After everything that’s happened in the last couple months, I finally feel like parts of the core me are regenerating. I think my hope and reckless idealism may even eventually return in some shape or form!

Last time I talked a lot about my pain, my ghosts, the bottom of my ocean. I had a speck of belief that perhaps the extent to which I was being tortured by those things would finally cause a healing I hadn’t been able to find before. I thought maybe I needed to go through the polygamy, because it was the only thing that could make me face my past in such a deep way and finally find some sort of peace with it. Maybe it was the only way.

One of the things I came to realize about myself was about some beliefs I had. I believed, when it came to material things like money, goods, jobs, etc….I believed all of those aspects had been pre-determined for my life to be portioned out a certain way. So whether I had a little or a lot, I rarely stressed because I really believed Allah picked the perfect portion to meet my tangible needs and was satisfied with that.

But when it came to emotional needs, I never believed anything like that. I always believed I had an inner deficit that I needed to find a filling for. Supplementing the “lack” of love in my life became my crusade, my purpose for existing. No matter what love I got, it wasn’t enough, it wasn’t what I was satisfied with. I had to find more, no matter what extremes I had to use to get it. And there were many times I went to extremes, even with my husband who was probably the most reliable source of any love I got in life.

Being in polygamy showed me that love and attention is portioned out just like rizq. I thought about other polygamous wives who had to share their husband with not only one woman, but two or three others. The portion of their husband’ time, affection, or intimacy was as much as it was going to be, and no more. Allah never said this was unfair, so why was I living my life like it was?

Even after Coco got her talaq, I saw that whatever my husband gave to me of his love was fixed. Though I might have hoped all the extra time he was no longer spending on her would be intensely focused on me, it wasn’t. He spent time with the kids, or with himself (he didn’t have ANY time to himself in polygamy, unless you count sleep). I saw clearly, for good, that the love I get in life is my perfect portion from Allah. It’s not out of balance or lacking, and once that really sunk in the giant hole inside decided to get with the program and shrank to fit what I was actually getting, instead of demanding something huge enough to fit in it.

I hope that is healing. I feel it is. I have a peace about that aspect of my life that I never had before. I used to worry and go crazy about the idea of being single and alone while I was parted from Bashir, because of the lack of love I would have then. I realize now if that were to ever be in my destiny, it’s perfectly fine. It’s what’s appointed for that time, and it’s not going to kill me any more than going three days without food did. Or going a couple months with no income did.

And the truth is, it’s not a given that won’t come to me someday. Just as much as I hoped the polygamy would help me rise above challenges I had been struggling through my entire life, I hoped Bashir would find a way to put his own demons to rest. And indeed, being in polygamy kept him insanely busy. He didn’t have time or energy to get angry, or to worry about what little slights the kids did. He was so preoccupied with trying to keep everything fair between his two wives with time and attention, that he rarely went online or watched TV.

But when the polygamy ended, the familiar routines returned slowly. Bashir understandably has wanted time to catch up on his own interests, but I see how those pursuits end up taking up hours, every afternoon, day after day. Even if nothing “bad” has happened, there is a part of me in the back of my mind that wonders how much of the “old” Bashir will return, and feels it needs to be ready for anything….even with me being pregnant. Actually, especially with me being pregnant.

For the time being, though, I am going to focus on getting back into my own life more. I’ve been offline too long, and that has always been a source of social fulfillment. I also had a dream recently that seemed like it had the makings of a good story, so I’m also wanting to give that life and see how it goes.

And of course there’s always Twinkles (the baby). Allah knows how I’ve wanted a daughter. I won’t be able to find out the gender until sometime in July, but I don’t feel guilty to fantasize that it might be a girl. 50/50 odds are pretty good!

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3 responses »

  1. A positive way I see it is that you got to see what it would be like to escape the life you thought you didn’t want but when regret set in, you were able to have another chance. Some people don’t get another chance because it may be too late. And at least the polygamy which may be a justified sort of cheating to some was upfront and baring. That made it more honest and to see how it would really pan out. Going behind someone’s back to be with another causes even more pain sometimes due to the dishonesty and lack of loyalty. And yeah I can see how your husband would have no time for two. People hardly have time for let alone one. Life lessons and journeys – exciting aren’t they? Well, it sounds like you might have a normal boring life now haha đŸ™‚

    • Lol I’m not sure I can ever accuse my life of being boring…but I think I would wonder if it could be unboring more in the adventurous sense than the dramatic one!

  2. Remember there are no wands, only the day to day. True change is sublte and constant, not immediate. And most importantly, love yourself first, we are all mirrors of God (Allah) reflections

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