I Will Not Give Up Just Because it Gets Hard


Last night I came to learn that my ex husband, from whom I’ve only been divorced for a matter of weeks, is making plans to remarry a sister he met online as soon as possible. While I certainly expected him to move on to someone else eventually, I have to admit that the quick turnaround for this stunned me. And there is a part of it that hurt me immensely.

I don’t think I was hurting because I felt like I lost him. No, I already dealt with that idea when I decided to divorce. I knew that giving something up means you have to be OK with it being out of your life for good.

The thing that hurt me was that the whole situation seemed to cheapen the marriage we did have- more specifically, who I was to him. He has a lot of high praise for his new love interest, and he describes her in such a way as to make it seem like I had been nothing more him than a half-hearted wannabe heathen. It made it seem like all the sacrifices I made for him, all the love I offered him, everything I gave no matter what the cost amounted to nothing. And that really hurt, because I know, and Allah knows, I gave 200% to that marriage. In fact, the only thing that gave me comfort in walking away from it was knowing that I could not have possibly done any more than I had. I walked away bled dry; loved out.

And it certainly doesn’t help to watch him go happily forward with someone who cares about him, while I continue to wrestle with the task Allah has set before me of coming to terms with being single for the next X amount of years, and living without that comforting companionship.

So I initially felt crushed, because a part of me believed that though things ended as they did, he would remember me as someone who was extremely loyal, caring, and devoted. Instead, it appeared that someone else can offer more of those things than I did. That stabbed my heart, and made me wonder if all the heartwrenching dedication I freely and abundantly gave him was nothing more than a waste. Thinking of the prices I paid (and made my children pay) in the process, it was unfathomable to me that everything I did for the sole purpose of having someone love me and stay by me, would only end up showing me that the love I was purchasing was not sincere at all. How then will I come to terms with myself, for not having figured that out before now?

I went back over my older blog posts this morning, trying to look at things from other angles. In one of them I wrote “I will not give up just because it gets hard”. That’s what I really need to hang on to right now. This new development, though hard and painful, is not something I’m going to let shake me from the direction I’m trying to go in. After all, all the hard, hard work and sacrifices I am making now, I am doing those for myself. They won’t come back empty, they won’t be for nothing. There’s a blossom in me, a beauty seeking to come out, and I will not let it be hindered even if no one in the world sees it but me.

Yeah, I’ve been through a lot. I’ve taken more than my share of hits, perhaps. In the end, it’s not breaking me but helping to build me…and that’s exactly what is needed right now. When it’s done, I will be me in the fullest and most spectacular of ways. Praise be to Allah.


8 responses »

  1. First let me say how strong you have been throughout this whole ordeal. We’ve known each other for wow 5 years now and you have always been loyal and self sacrificing when it came to your children and your husband (and anyone else for that matter). I said all of that to say this. No matter what he says or implies to anyone else, in your heart you know what you did was out of pure love.
    And I hope that maybe this new found information quiets any doubts that you may have had about the intial separation and validates that YOU DESERVE BETTER.
    You are an awesome person with a lot of love and kindness to give. Give your heart the time it needs to heal so you can trust and love completely again.
    We have all made mistakes in love (some of us more than others) The worse thing you can do at this time is revisit everything you did over the course of your marriage. You did what you did because it was necessary at the time.
    Just remember that even though it hurts now you will heal and you do deserve love and to be appreciated. And all that has happened is just clearling the part for “the one” who will treat you as you deserve to be treated.
    I hope something I said helps you get through this difficult time….

  2. Everything you said helped. I can’t even begin to tell you how much. How can I complain when Allah is bringing so much love to me at a time when I was about to really second guess myself! (And you know how I get when that happens đŸ˜‰ )

  3. God/Allah has pulled you from the fires and set you free. Look at this as a blessing, for nothing is without purpose. Everthing that kmgage has said is true.

    Time for a new hijab, Amy.

  4. May Allah swt make it easy for you and bring you out much stronger. It will hurt, but you are strong girl, Alhumdulilah and you will get through!

    The fact that he is remarrying or his thoughts do not cheapen your actions sister in any way. The fact that you put that effort in and he didnt accept it per say does not diminish ones actions or rewards. For instance if you give someone a beautiful house and they accept it – its still a beautiful gift – and if they reject it – its still a beautiful house. You loved sincerely, you put in all of your effort and if your ex did not appreciate that then ultimately it doesnt make you any less sincere, loving, beautiful and kind. It just means your ex was not able to appreciate these things which means he wasn’t good for you. Ultimately you do deserve better, and may Allah swt give you someone who will appreciate these beautiful qualities that Allah has blessed you with…

    If you look at it another way: you tried, you put in 100% effort so at least you are not going to walk away thinking ‘if only I’d have done this.’ That in a sense gives you some sort of closure.
    And sometimes one needs a trial to grow, learn and develop and find oneself. Give yourself some time and InshaAllah Allah will bless you with a loving pious spouse. You are truly an amazing sister, MashaAllah, tabarakAllah – don’t forget that!

  5. I agree with everything everyone said above. It seems to me that he never was a good choice and his behavior know should in fact make you realize that you did the right thing. Don’t stress over the fact that why it took you so long to figure him out or you gave him so much and you never realized his true self. It happens sister with almost all of us at one time or another, many many times but remember that no one gets away with hurting someone and repaying them in a way your Ex did. We all have to pay in this world if we wrong someone else and what about the next life? Allah (swt) will forgive our missed prayers, fasts or other obligations toward HIM but we won’t enter Jannah until we are not forgiven by those human beings who we wronged in this temporary world.

    You without a shadow of doubt are the most beautiful person inside out who I have ever known sister and I want you to know that all those people who are telling you this are indeed telling the truth. As Sara said above, if we are not faced with these trails in the hand of people who we love the most or sacrificed so much for then how would we learn and improve. Another thing you should learn is that Allah (swt) pulls the strings when we attach ourselves with this world and all the temporary stuff that it offers because ultimately our attachment should be with Allah (swt) or for HIS sake only. Believe me that this realization is not easy but once we master this idea, nothing in this world will hurt us because we will realize our true purpose here.

    Regarding your children, believe me they will know when they grow up that you weren’t selfish, instead like any other mother you wished for them to have a decent father figure around while growing up. In fact, they might love you more for sacrificing so much for this reason.

    On a final note, as everyone said you deserve better and your ex didn’t have even the basics of decency or morals for what he said in front of you after all at the very basic level Islam teaches us to not hurt someone’s feeling. Which he failed massively.

    Stay blessed and know that there are people who value you and appreciate you for who you are Alhamdullilah and you are right that it’s a battle to keep going and we are all in this together and we will get there iA by the help and support of each other.

  6. After having the day to sort through my lingering feelings about all this, I can honestly say I feel a lot better than I did last night. Even though finding those things out was difficult and painful, I don’t have any ill will or desire for recompense. All I wanted was to know that I was still loveable.

    Alhamdulillah, you all have been so supportive and caring toward me. Allah really met me where I needed through your friendship and love. Everything shared has been inexpressibly meaningful for me, so I have to say that I am grateful it happened this way because I can’t put a price on the security of knowing I have friends and family like you all. If this is what it took for me to realize what I’ve gained instead of questioning what I may have lost, then it was well worth it. In shaa Allah I will be able to be there for each and every one of you when those times come, as well.

  7. That is right. You do deserve better. He sure showed his true colors, didn’t he? He sounds like one that seeks for those who will be enablers. Ones that will put up with whatever he does. He will most likely play the victim saying that you left him and you gave up on him and that may make you feel bad because you have such a good heart. But if all your time together meant something, he would have appreciated it more and tried to work it out instead of replacing you so fast. I don’t know all the details and I don’t know all that goes on behind closed doors but that’s just the reaction I have to the information I’m reading here right now.

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