A challenge came my way about a week ago to live more honestly with myself. In the midst of questions and answers flying over my head by unsuspecting third parties, I was grounded to my core. But how? How do I do something I was only beginning to see I’ve never fully done?
Yes, I’m great at lying to myself. I am expert at fixating on my hopes, the goodness of the world, the best in others, that I become blind. I start to believe bad is good in a hidden form and wrong is right disguised as a test. I become so enamored with the fantasy, that I forget I even exist. I forget what I deserve. I forget what life really is about.
So this challenge arrived without fanfare, and I accepted it. I just didn’t know what to do with it or where to start. I made my niyat to Allah and hoped He would guide me, and He has.
In the next couple of days, events unfolded. They were actually a repeat of events that had unfolded countless times and in countless ways so many times before. The difference this time was that I was determined to keep my rose-colored glasses off. It was almost too easy, really. Others spelled out to me the thoughts I had, which were namely that life is never going to be the same in my marriage. More specifically, the marriage is going to be over.
I really don’t want to get into the details of the specific events. Maybe later when I’ve done some more work on myself and can have the best perspective of it all. Suffice it to say at this point I am at peace, and that’s all I really need at this point in time. I think the hardest part is pulling down, like a condemned structure, all my dreams of the future I built with my husband. Trying to re-envision a future, plot new hopes, is like trying to catch a shadow. Not only that, but I’m not sure how safe it is for me. I don’t feel like I’ve gotten enough of a grasp on escaping the sabotage I trapped myself in by living only in bubbles of hope. I need to learn balance before I go reconstructing my life.
So, as it stands, I’m still getting a house. I will be living with my children in it. I will be a single mother again. My iddah begins today, and I am only thankful to Allah that He has provided a seamless transition into an otherwise painful chapter of life. I am sure there will be a lot to write about in the coming weeks and months as I travel this new journey.