Circles in the Dust

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The circles represent merry-go-rounds that I seem to keep finding myself on emotionally.  I know that I’m supposed to try to focus on the hereafter, on the place and state that will be forever peaceful.  Instead, the part of me that has to make meaningful attempts at this existence keeps getting wrapped up in outcomes.  I keep guaging the course my family is on by each turn of events, and it seems nearly every week the course change to one of an ideal destination…then back to a path headed straight for destruction.

Last entry I blogged about my pregnancy.  I started my cycle on July 4th.  I realized that I likely had a chemical pregnancy that didn’t thrive, and my body began cleansing me of it.  I know my time of  ovulation didn’t change, so that’s the only explanation that fits the symptoms that were present and would cause a “late period”.  Honestly, if that were the only event I was looking at, I really don’t mind the resolution.  Like I said, it’s probably better that our family doesn’t add a member just yet, and I’m at peace knowing what was going on exactly. I’ve started charting my temperatures again to lessen future ambiguity if something similar is to arise.

What I didn’t share was that the issues going on with that, coupled with the fact that my husband seemed to have gotten a job, and we seemed to be a little closer to securing a house, enticed me to believe things may work out for us after all. I started dreaming about what that would look like, I started getting excited that my family would remain intact.  Only natural right? Well, it’s also only natural that  I would again swing back  around to wondering what the future holds when we discovered my husband in fact did NOT get that job (thanks to the background check that employer did, which revealed his sordid past and caused them to renig the offer previously made to him), and the one document we need to submit our loan file back to the underwriter is “beyond the scope” of what a certain company can provide. I have begun looking again at the possibility that this may not have its fairy tale ending, after all.

I’m only human, and I’m trying to hang on. I can’t pretend that all of these sideswipes don’t affect me. As much as I try to redirect my focus on the only things that matter (Allah and my ibadah to Him), I can’t pretend I don’t care about the outcomes of the events in our lives. I can’t pretend I don’t care if things end up going in an undesirable direction. My husband’s next court date is this Friday, and he will be starting his probation…I can’t pretend that I don’t feel a grit in my stomach that he will have another mark on his record, another item to show up on a screening to keep him from becoming a contributing and employed member of society.  Let’s remember, for any position my husband could apply for…there are countless other unemployed folks competing for the same slot who DON’T have a criminal record.  Obstacles are one thing, but obstacle’s to the 10th power are a whole different animal…a fierce and undefeated one at that.

So here I am, trying to soothe the wounds that came with opening up my hope to what I wish for the most but watching it fly off the cliff (again).  Here I am, trying to piece together an alternate possible reality that I can live with and be at peace with if I can’t retrieve my dream.  Here I am, about to jump off this jagged edge to chase it once again, because when a dream matters that much to you, you don’t give up on it no matter what it costs you or how much it hurts to get it.  Here I am, finding a way to believe that if I can’t find it in the end, Allah will provide me something that will soothe my heart just the same insha’Allah.

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