My last couple of posts were borne out of my pain, so they were not very hopeful or positive. Most of last week I continued in despair until everything changed (again, lol). At a point, I felt like the fall had stopped, but I was not yet on the ground…or at least not at a place where there was a final outcome.
And I think that’s what I may have been mixing up. I thought that resolution and peace came with a final outcome, whatever that was. I came to a resolution, I found peace, but nothing circumstantially has changed. How did it happen?
One morning I was driving to work, listening to my playlist of Maher Zain songs. “Paradise” came on, and as I listed to the lyrics I realized that everything I’m going through in this life, both the things that I hate to endure and the things I seek to cherish, are not the main point. Nothing in this life is the focus, but everything in the next life is. I began to think about it, and it became clear that everything I’m wanting right now: to be with my husband without any constraints, to have a home we can all share without worries, to raise a daughter….all of those can be found in the hereafter. Paradise is the only place I can build a dream that will last, that will not be taken away. Paradise is where I can be united with my daughter, and be forever with her and my husband (insha’Allah) in a home that will never be anything but ours for eternity. Paradise is where I need to invest my time and energy, not into the shaky and unreliable events in this dunya.
I felt hope again. I felt motivated to keep trying, and to keep my focus on what really matters. I renewed my commitment to maintain and increase my ibadah. I decided to look at things here as only a temporary setback to the final, neverending goal. That’s what we were created for, after all. We are eternal beings, for an eternal realm. We were never made for any of this stuff here on planet earth, except to be tested so that we can return to a realm more glorious than this one can ever be.
Things aren’t always easy, because there is still pain in being parted from someone I love. There is still a need for me to try everything I can to keep my family as I know it together, and I have a plan I’m following toward that end. If the plan works, alhamdullilah. If it doesn’t, there’s always the next life. If I can keep my priorities in order, I am destined to find what I yearn for one way or the other insha’Allah.
This peace is a sustenance whether I am falling or not. It’s not a solution to the problem, but a partner in the experience. It is what is holding my hand as I fall, as I land, as I rise and start walking again on the ground. It will be there no matter what happens, if I don’t forget it….even if I have to fall again someday.