I Tumble For Ya

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Once upon a time, when I was about 6 or 7 years old, this song was my all-time favorite.  It had a happy and carefree feel to it, and every time my family took me to the local pizza parlor I would play it in the jukebox over and over.  Eventually, the song stopped getting featured in the jukebox, and I had to face a rude awakening in realizing that songs only stayed popular for a limited time before they were replaced with new creative offerings.

I am trying to have a good morning, but it’s very difficult. I am a very vivid dreamer, and often the tone of my dreams will color the following day.  This morning I dreamt that a coworker of mine had been promoted to “senior life coach”.  I didn’t mind that I had not been promoted with her, but what hurt was her bragging about her accomplishment to me, and pointing out all the flaws in my work or habits that excluded me from consideration for being promoted with her.  I became emotional and started to try to put her in her place, all the while giving examples of areas where she and other coworkers have a looser work ethic than mine.  All this took place as we were sitting in the backseat of a schoolbus.  To my embarrassment, I realized that my manager was sitting on the bus as well, several seats ahead of us.  He had overheard the entire exchange and began to come back to where we were to smooth the situation over.  Initially he tried to be very understanding, and said he didn’t think it was fair to me that she was rubbing her honor in my face. He said he wanted to talk to me about what was going on and how he could help make things better for me and my work performance, but he couldn’t see me for a meeting for another week. I was dissappointed about this, and became exasperated that we couldn’t meet sooner now that all my emotions were brought to the forefront.  However, I had no choice but to accept the offer.

The scene changed and I was still with the promoted coworker, and things were still strained.  For some reason, I lost it and started having a very public emotional breakdown, and the manager was again present. Instead of being patient, he yelled at me to stop my behavior, and ended up terminating me due to my lack of self control.  When I awoke, I took the dream as a caution to be careful not to let my personal life influence my professional one, just in case.

At any rate, I’m still feeling defeated.  I am disappointed in myself that my ibadah is lackluster in the past few days, though I have been trying really hard to keep it consistent.  I am feeling hopeless about getting a house, because our NACA counselor told us yesterday not to have high hopes for approval since there were periodic instances where my bank account balance dipped into the negative (though it was brought current the following days), even though no overdraft fees were merited.  Nevermind the fact that I am paying an exorbanant amount for rent, and have never had an eviction nor late payment. I know I could afford a mortgage, because I’ve been sustaining a rental expense twice that for years.  I also feel sad that I have to be here at my place alone, though married. I feel like a single mom most of the time.  My husband’s arraignment is in 3 days…just another blip on the horizon I wish could be avoided. All in all, everything going on has me feeling like I’m not only falling, but tumbling as I go.  It’s neither happy nor carefree.

What I fear the most is that all of these circumstances will get to me, and I will have a meltdown akin to the one I dreamt about last night.  That I will unexpectedly lose it at the worst time and in an inappropriate place, and the consequences of it will only push me further down the cliff.  I don’t know what my limits are, nor do I know when I am approaching my “point of no return” emotionally.  The pressures are indiscriminate and I am just caught in a mix that has more to do with the choices of others than myself.  But I know I do have my own choices, my choices of how to respond.  Although I may not feel strong enough to respond with a different feeling about what is going on, I can choose my actions.  The one thing that’s staying me right now is the fact that if I really feel like I am being pushed too far, and being asked too much, and being advised to make unreasonable sacrifices, I can choose to say no. I can choose to say, “enough is enough”. I can decide to do what’s best for  me and my children, and be at peace that I chose the course of response and not someone else, or some circumstance thrown upon me.

I’m going to try again to make all my salat today. I am going to work a little at cleaning up this house and look all around me for encouragements from Allah.  He does send them, in all times and usually when most needed.  I know, despite how everything looks, that everything that happens is for my best, so long as I look for the opportunities to remain in submission to Him through these circumstances.  Every hardship will raise me, if I can make sure I don’t let it defeat and corrupt me.  No matter what,  I still have people whom I love, who love me too, and will support me through whatever comes.  Shukrulillah for these eases that abide by this trial. May Allah sustain those I love, may He provide for their every need and give them blessing in this life and the next.

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