I’ve been in a strange place lately. Realities are converging upon me in ways I don’t understand, and it makes it feel like I’m living a dreamscape. I am moving beyond a freefall- I am floating in a mystical realm.
I’ve had dreams come true since I was in elementary school. Granted, they don’t always come true exactly the way I dream them, but the overarching themes play out in essence. For that reason, I’ve always paid close attention to my dreams, trying to remember the more vivid ones, just in case they manifested themselves in such a way that I needed to take a lesson from them.
In more recent years, my dreams seem to have meaning for more than just me, the dreamer. I seem almost to have dreams on behalf of others. Couple those two facts with the fact that I am having a lot of vivid and even emotional dreams lately, I feel a little bit out of my element.
I tried to talk to my husband about this, and his response was that dreams were one portion of prophethood. Already my dreams have supposedly indicated I have a special connection to Prophet Muhammad (saws), so this doesn’t seem to help me understand what I am to do with all the “information” that comes to me at night. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad, except that my more recent dreams have seemed to indicate warnings and big changes coming in my life that I must prepare for.
I guess the most disturbing part of it is the fact that some of it centers on my worst fears coming true….on having to end my marriage with Bashir and move on without him-against the choice of us both. That being the case opens up the possibility of other dreams coming true; dreams that are connected but not in a direct sense.
I can’t help but go into a very serious and introspective mode when this is happening. I am trying to sort out the codes on these maps, and trying to determine when and how I must act. All the while, big things are being brought my way, and before I know it existence has become totally surreal. I am at once building walls around threatening grief, while trying to corral tempting curiosity. It takes all of my mental strength to ground myself and not get carried away with any of it, but just patiently wait and see what happens.
In the meantime, I am feeling like Allah is “hooking me up” in an esoteric way to others. I am almost shy to say it, but I am beginning to sense some of the life experiences that others are going through. Some of these people I’ve never met or spoken to in my life. Others I have never met, but talk to frequently. Others I’ve met, but seldom talk to. It’s quite a mix, and sometimes I feel like I’m living their lives more than I am living my own. I also feel in some ways like a sieve that Allah is pouring Himself through toward others, and I am catching what He means for them by proxy. All of this is very strange, very humbling, but at the same time very inspiring and almost feels more natural than anything else I could possibly do.
I don’t want to try to interpret too much of what it all means, exactly. Suffice it to say that writing about it should help put some perspective on it once there is some sort of completion to the cycle. In the mean time, I am at His mercy, will and service.