I’ve written a lot of poetry in the past few years about being real, becoming my true self, Finding my real fitra, etc. I’ve written a lot on this blog about my uncertainties, struggles, weaknesses and pain.
Today I’m writing about something very different.
I no longer feel like a helpless ragdoll being thrust over cliffs. I no longer feel like I’m a flailing girl spinning and falling through the air, victim to whatever fated rocks or sudden gusts await me. I don’t feel like I’m trying to achieve something that’s just always a little out of reach, something that is meant for me but never attained.
No, now I feel like I am above earth and wind. I am fully activated, fully bloomed, fully Amy. I have finally become myself, and I am strong, peaceful, purposed, powerful, free, secure and REAL. I am being congruent on the outside with what I believe and value on the inside. I have self respect, and I am living it in my choices. I have value, and I am showing it in my actions. I have worthiness, and I am accepting what I deserve. I have faith, and I am building on it to become even more beautiful in soul. I have everything I need to live the life Allah wanted me to live.
I see now it was never a matter of finding these things, but of activating them. They were already inside, but I was looking for something outside of myself to unlock them. I was looking for others to validate me and accept me. I was hoping that finding security with the world, or even certain other people, would bring security to my heart.
No one could do that for me. Not good people encouraging me, nor bad people challenging me to better myself. Not one person- no friend, family, spouse or lover- could help me come to the next level of my being. In fact, I couldn’t even do it for myself through will power. Sure, I had the insight. I had the desire. I had the self awareness. But that’s not enough.
Only Allah can bring a person into the one He meant for them to be. And surely, Allah wants that for all of us. It’s not that He’s holding out on us, wanting to make things more difficult than they need to be. No, He is being true to Himself and what He revealed, “Lo! ALLAH changeth not the condition of folk until they (first) change that which is in their hearts.” (Sura ar-Ra`d 13:11, Pickthall). Some translations do not use the word “hearts”. Some just say “themselves”. But in reality, it has everything to do with the heart. Why? Because we cannot serve Allah truly, we cannot worship Him properly, unless we make the pure intentions in our hearts to do so.
And in the end, that’s what it boils down to. That’s what makes Allah come running to us, as we begin crawling to Him. When we sincerely intend to submit ourselves to His plan for our life, His ways, and His qadr, we know we have to do something to show that sincerity. So however weakly, we begin to act on it. And true to His words, Allah comes and finishes what we could not possibly finish on our own, and raises us to levels we would’ve never reached in our best attempts.
For me, it was something very simple. Something I had already been doing in many ways, but never as a conscious decision per se. It was just natural, I guess, and it never struck me that putting my full attention to it and making it a more deliberate part of my submission was the key to my needed change. It was simply, observing the proper boundaries with non mahrem.
Like I said, this has never been a big problem for me. I don’t talk to any non mahrem regularly. The friends I have who are non mahrem, I am easily able to maintain propriety with. But like someone blinded, I struggled to maintain the appropriate boundaries with my ex husband, who continually challenges me to change or except them for him.
For a long time I thought I had to fix this problem with him. That I had to figure out a way to set something up for him specifically, and do it in a saavy way so as not to trigger his hurt feelings and cause his wrath and punishment to come back on me. I never could figure out a way to, until I came to a place where I was nearly forced to.
As I was driving to work Monday morning trying to solve this longstanding problem, I realized that I just needed to make my intention to Allah to follow the prescribed Islamic adabs with all non mahrems. Then I could tell him I’m doing it with everyone, and he could find no fault in that. I committed to doing it, and felt at peace. I followed it through, and though it was met with some initial resistance, everything is as it should be now. Everything is in balance.
And so in the past few days where I’ve been watching it all align, I’ve also watched myself transform without any efforts on my part. Everything else unrelated that was out of balance, was also re-aligned back to where it should be. And the satisfaction in the way it all feels and is happening, there is NOTHING I would do to sabotage it. It’s unthinkable! It’s been a truly amazing and humbling experience, and has made me realize so many other things about myself I hope to share here soon in shaa Allah.
But for now, I’m content and delighted to be one woman, instead of a fragmented girl.
So now that I understand better how the economy between our hearts, actions, intentions and Allah’s blessing, raising and support works, I will be striving to explore it more and teach it to my children. I will be doing all I can to gird myself to this new place, as this new person. It’s a phenomenal thing, and it’s something I hope everyone can find a way to experience for themselves.